Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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