all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
