True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
