did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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