Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My breasts were aching with rage.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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