Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
