im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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