True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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