LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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