Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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