you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
