i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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