The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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