I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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