I think im going to throw up on grandma
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
