apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
