i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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