Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
