Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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