remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
