WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
