Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
