I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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