i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
