she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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