There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
