STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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