FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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