sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
