My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize