Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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