I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
