She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
