Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
