yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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