How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
