Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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