I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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