Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
