Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
