I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
