Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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