Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
