we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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