Kiss
Puke
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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