ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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