My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
