Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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