I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
