Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
