i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
