I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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