i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
