I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
