she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
