I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
