we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
