you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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