420 ftw
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
