I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
